Showing posts with label Whatever. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Whatever. Show all posts

8.20.2011

Looking for Answers

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.  A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.  Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN:
 "Hello"  
WOMAN:
 "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"  
MAN:
 "Yes."  
WOMAN:
 "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.  It's only $2,000.  Is it OK if I buy it?"  
MAN:
 "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."  
WOMAN:
"I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."  
MAN:
 "How much?"  
WOMAN:
 "$90,000."  
MAN:
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."  
WOMAN:
"Great! Oh, and one more thing.  I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.  They're asking $980,000 for it."  
MAN:
 "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."  
WOMAN:
"OK. I'll see you later!  I love you so much!"  
MAN:
"Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up.  The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?”

7.22.2011

Keeping the Practical in Jokes

To maintain a healthy level of insanity,
try one or more of the following:

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked are with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down...

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice...

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that...


4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso...


5. In the memo field on all you checks, write 'For Marijuana...'

6. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get...

7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face...

8. Specify that your drive-through order is 'To Go...'

9. Sing along at the opera...

10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache...

11. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won!...'

12. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling , ' Run for your lives! They're loose!...'


13. At the dinner table, tell your children, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go...'

14. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is...


I TRIPLE-DOG-DARE YOU...
TO KEEP SMILING!!

7.16.2011

Have You Ever...


Kissed anyone one of your Facebook friends?
YES
Been arrested?
NO
Kissed someone you didn't like?
YES
Slept in until 5 PM?
YES
Fallen asleep at work?
YES
Held a snake?
YES
Run a red light?
YES
Been suspended from school?
NO
Totaled your car/motorbike in an accident?
NO
Been fired from a job?
NO
Sung karaoke?
YES
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
YES
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?
YES
Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
YES
Sung in the shower?
YES
Sat on a rooftop?
YES
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes?
YES
Broken a bone?
NO
Shaved your head?
NO
Blacked out from drinking?
NO
Played a prank on someone?
YES
Felt like killing someone?
NO
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry?
NO
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets?
NO
Been in a band?
NO
Shot a gun?
YES
Donated Blood?
YES
Eaten alligator meat?
NO
Eaten cheesecake?
YES
Still love someone you shouldn't?
NO
Think about the future?
YES
Believe in love?
YES
Slept on a certain side of the bed?
YES
Talk in your sleep?
YES
Laughed until you peed your pants?
YES
Passed gas on an elevator with others?
YES
Play a musical instrument?
YES
Lived outside of the country?
NO
Gone skinny dipping?
NO
Gone sky diving?
NO
Given anyone a bath?
YES
Smoked?
NO
Bungee jumped?
NO
Made yourself throw-up?
YES
Put your tongue on a frozen pole?
YES
Played truth or dare?
YES
Been in a physical fight?
NO
Been in a police car?
YES
Come close to dying?
YES
Been in a sauna?
YES
Been in a hot tub?
YES
Fallen asleep in school?
YES
Run away?
NO
Broken someone's heart?
??
Cried when someone died?
YES
Flashed someone?
NO
Cried in school?
YES
Fell off your chair?
YES
Sat by the phone all night waiting for a call?
NO
Saved MSN conversations?
NO
Saved e-mails?
YES
Done something you regret?
YES

7.15.2011

Not So Amazing

This appears to be amazing piloting of a plane...



but, this shows why it turned out to be not so amazing.


7.07.2011

I Have a Question

Nagasaki 1945, after the atomic bomb...


Nagasaki 2011, following earthquake and tsunami...

QUESTION: What the heck is that arch mad out of?

6.25.2011

You Just Think You're Having a Bad Day

Things got ya down?
Well then, consider this...


In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 A.M. Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 A.M. all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still having a bad day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.

Are ya OK now?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly, trampling to death the two helpless protesters.

Continuing bad day?
Just remember, it could be worse...

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.


What?! STILL having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet did not pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, tipping the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking arm.

There now, feeling better...

6.11.2011

6.03.2011

iLog


Now all I need is the iPad...

5.14.2011

It Takes ALL Kinds...









When your done reacting,
remember they are all our brothers and sisters!!
"As I have loved you, love one another..."

5.09.2011

Toy Ad Vocabulary Reinforces Gender Stereotypes

Transcribed "boy" and "girl" toy commercials made into word clouds.
The difference is stark and immediately visible...

4.28.2011

Royal Wedding


I will be up late tonight watching the Royal Wedding as it unfolds on the other side of the world tomorrow. Here is a fun sneak peak of what may happen...

4.12.2011

What Friendly Skies?


Jenny Carlino who is a regional manager for the Italian company Aviointeriors S.P.A, tries out her firms new 'Skyride' standing seat which aims to allow airlines to cram more passengers onto budget flights, at the Aircraft Interiors Expo. The new 'Saddle' style seat will give passengers 23 inches of legroom, instead of the industry average of 30 inches.

4.09.2011

Beyond the Railroad Tracks


The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built railroad tracks in England, and English expatriates designed the U.S. railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.


Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts?

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initials ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States stand railroad gauge of 4 feet 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. In other words, bureaucracies live forever.

So, the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process, and wonder, "What horse's ass cane up with this?" You may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' assess.)

Now, the twist to this story: When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have made them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you know know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two-thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important!!

So, horse's asses control almost everything! Explains a whole lot of things, doesn't it...

4.04.2011

Wisdom of a Retiree


I've been asked, What do you old folks do now that you're retired?
Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine...

3.26.2011

Google Maps Envelopes

You can now send snail mail in Google maps!!


Click on the picture for more information...

3.19.2011

Busted!!


Did you know that, if you live in the United States, it's unlawful to send any butterfly across a state line without the proper USDA permits to do so...

3.08.2011

It's a Small World


The Nepalese teenager whose tiny stature has made him a celebrity in his homeland entered the record books as the world's shortest man, standing at just 25.8 inches (65.5 centimetres) tall, as he celebrated his 18th birthday.

1.22.2011

Caught in the Act


An ATM in central London brought new meaning to cash withdrawals after queuing commuters were surprised to see a hand inside the machine. Customers thought the ATM was being robbed, but were assured that the cash machine was being fixed by an engineer.

1.06.2011

Camping Chic


Camping outdoors has been taken to an extraordinary new level - with blow-up 'bubble' tents. With incredible panoramic views of the surrounding countryside, the bizarre transparent structures are designed to get people as close to nature as possible.

Christmas Countdown