Gotcha: Trapping Children or Setting Limits

Are you trapping children or setting limits?

Example: Pam knows her daughter Ella drew on the walls and furniture, but Ella is refusing to admit it.

Pam has a choice! She can focus on getting Ella to admit what she did and feel bad for her actions, or Pam can focus on helping Ella learn to be responsible by experiencing the consequences of her actions.

Parent Choice 1: Trap-n-Punish

If Pam chooses to go for admission of guilt, she may say, “Ella, did you draw on these walls?”

Asking a question you already know the answer to is a trap! More than likely, Ella will deny she did anything. Denial is a defense mechanism used when faced with fear of threat.

Once the child denies the situation, then we really become upset, usually saying something like, “Don’t you lie to me. Lying just makes things worse.” From here the interaction can only deteriorate and the opportunity to teach a new skill is lost.

Parent Choice 2: Limits-n-Accountability

If Pam chooses to set a limit and hold Ella accountable for her actions, she may say, "Ella, you wanted to draw some pictures. You may not draw on the walls. Drawing is something you do on paper. You can clean the walls with rag or sponge. Which do you choose?”

It is important that Pam follow up with Ella later when she is drawing on paper by saying, “You did it! You remembered to draw on the paper. Good for you, honey.” Then hug and kiss her all over.

~ Wishing You Well

Wishing You Well

There are two common mistakes teachers make when working with young children who are aggressive:

1. Teachers may rely on using fear-based discipline in efforts to control the children in their care. This stems from the belief that we can make others change, which is unrealistic and simply impossible. We can only really change and control ourselves, and doing so will have a profound impact on those around us.

The brain cannot function optimally when under threat. Fear-based discipline approaches are actually detrimental to optimal learning and brain development.

There is a better way! Conscious Discipline focuses on a relationship-based community approach to classroom management. Adults and children are encouraged to build connections, and connections govern our behavior. The classroom culture becomes one that centers around a sense of community in which all members are valuable and important.

2. Teachers may also make the mistake of seeing conflict as a disruption that must be stopped or removed from the classroom. In reality, vital life skills can be taught during conflict moments. These moments give teachers an opportunity to teach the missing skills so that children can become active participants in solving their own problems.

         

Wishing You Well

 

"I'm First!"

My children are constantly fighting over who is first. HELP!

1. Validate the feelings of both children. "You both seem angry. Something must have happened."

2. Let the children know THEY have a problem, and the adult will help them solve it if they are willing. "It seems like you two have a problem."

3. Define the problem for the children. Do not include first. Ex. "The problem is you both wanted to sit in the same seat."

4. Facilitate the children's attempt to come up with solutions. "How do you two think you can work this out?" If the children are not ready to let go of the power struggle to be first, simply remove the item or the children from the space until they are ready to solve the real problem.

Something helpful you can do today:

Take time to evaluate the emphasis you are putting on being first in your home or classroom. 

Ex. "Who can clean up first?" "The children who are sitting quietly will line up first." "Last one to the car is a rotten egg!"

Wishing You Well

 

The Safe Place TEACHES; Time Out PUNISHES

Parents and teachers often confuse the Safe Place with Time Out. The Safe Place uses times of upset as teaching moments so children can practice active calming. Time Out seeks to punish. It is rooted in using external force to govern behavior and removal to try and motivate children to behave.

Unfortunately, it seems like the same children are always stuck in Time Out. Many of these children do not seem to be phased by removal. They are not being motivated to behave any differently.

When a child is being hurtful (or calling for love), think of this list below. It is the beliefs that Dr. Becky Bailey based the Safe Place on:

1. Children want to be successful.
2. What's helpful to one child may not be helpful to another.
3. When feeling powerlessness, children tend to withdraw or act out.
4. Children want to feel in control of themselves, but may not know how. This is a scary feeling!
5. The desire to belong is what motivates children to make helpful choices.
6. Upset is an opportunity to teach self-control.
7. Choice and Free Will are important! Children can elect to go to the Safe Place and choose the strategies they find helpful.

For information on how to create a Safe Place in your school or home, visit Shubert's Classroom.

To see Safe Places that other parents and teachers have created, visit the Safe Place Pinterest Board.

Wishing You Well

 

Young children, still developing a sense of their own autonomy, often need to assert themselves when they hear an adult command. Instead of giving an assertive command, try offering children two positive choices! 

By offering children two positive choices, you help them do the following:

1. Attend to the task you deem important

2. Comply with your wishes

3. Learn decision-making skills

4. Feel empowered, thereby reducing power struggles

5. Redirect their behavior and learn impulse control 

6. Establish and maintain self control

Wishing You Well

 

Speak Up To Bullies! Assertively! 

“Logan pushed me.” “Aly took my ball.” “He's sitting in my seat!”

Briley says to you, “Logan pushed me.” When a child brings you a problem involving a perceived intrusion by another, the first question to ask is, “Did you like it?” This may seem odd, but it is critical for three reasons:

1. It helps you assess how much assertive energy the tattler possesses.

2. The word, No, has a great deal of assertive energy and your question makes that energy instantly available to the child.

3. You help the child focus on herself and her own feelings instead of the other person. 

The book, Shubert’s Big Voice, is helpful for teaching children the skill of assertiveness. This adorable children's book teaches adults how to help children speak up to bullies. The main character shows us that his words are more powerful than hands that hit or feet that kick and words have power!

Wishing You Well

Help! My kids are fighting! What should I do?

1. Take care of yourself first!

Breathe deeply and affirm, “I’m safe. Keep breathing. I can handle this,” so you can approach your children calmly.

2. Physically separate the children.

Assertively say, “Stop," and place your body between your children's.

Keep breathing and focus on maintaining the inner state you want both children to return to. Encourage them to take a deep breath. Say, “Breathe with me,” and help them calm themselves.

3. Let BOTH children be heard.

Get down to their eye-level and say, “Both of you seem so angry. Something must have happened.”

Let each child know you will listen to her story. Ask the first child, “Something must have happened?” in a questioning tone. Offer support to the second child by positioning yourself next to her and putting your hand on her shoulder as you listen.

The second child will often interrupt, “But she…” Reassure her by keeping your hand on her shoulder and saying, “It’s hard to wait your turn. You will get a turn when she’s finished.”

4. Clarify & Reframe with Positive Intent

When the first child has finished, restate what she said to get clarification, offer empathy and reframe the situation with positive intent. “You were angry because she took your hat. You wanted it back and forgot to ask.”

Then reposition yourself next to the first child and ask the second child to share. Restate, clarify, offer empathy and reframe with positive intent. “You were upset about what she said on the bus and didn’t know other ways to let her know.”

5. After both sides share, step into the Time Machine! The Time Machine is a helpful structure for conflict resolution:

Step 1: Ask, “Did you like it when she_____?”

Step 2: She responds “NO!”

Step 3: Set the limit on the hurtful act and include choices for the next time: “You may not grab someone’s hat. Grabbing is hurtful. The next time you want her to know you are upset with something she said, say, ' I didn’t like it when you said_____.' Next time please say or do _____. Or come ask me for help.”

Step 4: Say it now for practice.

Wishing You Well

 

You know you did it! Just admit it!

My little one has started to lie. I know she’s drawing on the walls and furniture but she’s refusing to admit it. What can I do?

You have a choice! 

1. You can focus on getting your child to admit her error and feel bad for her actions.

OR

2. You can focus on helping your child learn to be responsible by experiencing the consequences of her actions.

Choice 1 (Admission of Guilt) may go like this: 

"Did you draw on the wall?” Asking a question you already know the answer to is a trap. More than likely, preschoolers will deny they did anything. Denial is a defense mechanism used when faced with fear of threat. Once the child denies the situation, then we really become upset, usually saying something like, “Don’t you lie to me. Lying just makes things worse.” From here the interaction can only deteriorate and the opportunity to teach a new skill is lost.

Choice 2 (Limit Setting & Accountability) may go like this: 

"You wanted to draw some pictures. You may not draw on the walls. Drawing is something you do on paper. You can clean the walls with rag or sponge. What is your choice?” It is important to follow up with your child later when she is drawing on paper by saying, “You did it! You remembered to draw on the paper. Good for you, honey.” Then hug and kiss her all over.

Wishing You Well

A TOP WIFE Makes Good Turkey

Here is a list of Executive Skills governed by the Prefrontal Lobes:

A - Attention
T - Time Management
O - Organization
P - Prioritization
W - Working Memory
I - Impulse Control
F - Flexibility
E - Empathy & Emotional Control
M - Metacognition
G - Goal Achievement
T - Task Initiation

Research, as well as life experience, tells us our internal emotional states dictate behavior. The Conscious Discipline Brain State Model becomes a frame for us to understand the internal brain-body states that are most likely to produce certain behaviors in children and in ourselves. With this awareness, we learn to consciously manage our own thoughts and emotions so we can help children learn to do the same.

Aim to change the state first then the behavior!

Wishing You Well

 

Seeing disruptive and aggressive children's behavior as a call for help does not "get them off the hook." It just unhooks you to better guide them into using socially acceptable behaviors to get their needs met.

Wishing You Well

 

Mentor or Tormentor?

Do you tend to encourage or discourage yourself? Remember, how you treat yourself is how you will treat children.

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. During the course of one day, I tend to focus more on a) my assets and strengths b) my liabilities and weaknesses

2. Typically, I a) accept myself as I am or b) focus on what is wrong and needs changing (too fat, too thin, too something)

3. I generally talk to myself in a way that a) builds self-confidence or b) makes me feel confused or inadequate

4. During the day, I tend to think about a) what I am currently doing or b) what I should be doing

5. I notice a) my efforts and improvements or b) that I am not where I think I should be

6. As life unfolds I tend to a) notice the turn of events without the need to judge or b) judge events as good or bad

If you scored high on a)'s, you are probably good at encouraging yourself. If you scored high on b)'s, you may tend to discourage yourself.

If you routinely discourage yourself, you will unconsciously discourage your children. Change begins with you , then extends to your children. Today, start being kinder and more encouraging toward yourself!

Wishing You Well

Feeling Buddies

Wishing You Well

 

We keep telling you that mistakes are opportunities to learn, but have you really embraced that concept?

Think about the last time you made a mistake. Did the self-talk sound like this:

"I made a mistake. What can I learn from this? How can I improve?"

Or, did the self-talk sound like this:

"How could I have done this? What's wrong with me? I am horrible. This is all my fault?"

Or, did it go like this:

"If he would have just done his part, we would not be in this situation. He can't handle anything."

Until we are able to change our attitude about mistakes, we will not be able to use them an opportunity to learn. Likewise, we will not be able to view children's mistakes as an opportunity to teach.

Are you ready for a mind shift?

In each conflict/mistake situation practice saying to yourself, "Oh! An opportunity to learn/teach!"

In perceiving conflict this way, we stop our tendency and unconscious intent to punish ourselves and others. We also prepare ourselves to help the children in our care learn from their mistakes and reflect on the consequences of their actions.

Wishing You Well

Having trouble setting limits with your children? Then, it's time to ACT!

There are several basic steps that can be used in the limit-setting process. The key factors in limit-setting are the understanding of the child's intention and motivation. Limit-setting works better when the adult acknowledges the child's feelings, wishes and wants, communicates the limits clearly, and targets acceptable behavior.

A - Acknowledge the child’s feelings, wishes and wants.
C - Communicate the limit in terms of safety
T - Target acceptable behavior

Examples:
“You wanted to give me a big hug. It’s hard for me to breathe when you squeeze my neck so hard. If you want to give me a big hug, do it gently like this (demonstrate).”

“It seems to me like you feel sad today. It’s not safe for you to run away from me in the store. If you want to have some quiet time, you may sit in the cart.”

“You seem angry. You may not push, pushing hurts. You can use your words to say, ‘I’m mad at you’ or you can go to the 'Safe Place.'”

via: Conscious Discipline

Wishing You Well

Help! My eight-year-old doesn’t listen very well. I remind him (repeatedly) to clean his room or put his things away and he does NOT!

First, it is important to understand what is going on with many seven and eight-year-old children when it comes to listening. Young children do not have mature inner speech. In other words, they do not talk to themselves inside their heads like adults. This effects disciplining children tremendously!

Mature inner speech is the manner in which we, as adults, think through the consequences of our actions before we act. Most young children, knowing the consequence (loss of TV privileges, etc) still choose to misbehave. When the consequence is given, they meltdown and beg, “I’ll be good now.”

At around six to eight years of age, inner speech is maturing. What used to be only outer speech now is going underground to become inner speech. For the first time, children have two conversations to attend to at once. They are more like adults. They can listen to the chatter in their heads as well as the talk of others. Often they will ask, “What?” even as you talk, appearing deaf at times. To help them through this developmental process here are some suggestions:

1) Stay calm. Remember, “What you focus on your get more of.” When you are upset, you are always focused on what you don’t want.

2) Do not shout at your child from across the room. Usually, we will start shouting the child’s name. “Kenyon, Kenyon, do you hear me. KENYON! Listen to me,” etc. This upset will be followed by a lecture. “I am your mother and I expect you to listen to me. Do you hear me now?”

Instead, walk up to your child and get as close to his face as you can until he makes eye contact with you. Once your child makes eye contact, gently say, “Well there you are.” Then say, “Room.” One word will be a sufficient reminder for many children.

Follow this up with encouragement as he begins to do what you’ve asked of him. You might say, “There you go. You can do it. Sometimes it is just hard to get started.”

3) If your child is not following through with a task, there is a good chance you are not following through with encouragement. You are telling children what you want them to do, but not taking the time to celebrate their accomplishments. Children need lots of encouragement. Imagine a football game where everyone sat quietly until a touchdown was made. We need to encourage our children like we do a team attempting to get two yards for a first down!
 
Routine and Responsibility Cards are a helpful tool for putting more consistency in your home. A homemade job chart might also prove helpful. For example, you could make a routine book by taking pictures of everything your child needs to do in the morning to get ready for school.. I just took pictures one morning as we got ready for school: Mom (Dad) wakes child up in the morning (picture); child gets right up (picture); child gets dressed (picture); eats breakfast (picture); brush and flush (picture); out the door on time (picture); ready for school (picture of child waving as s/he walks into school.) First take your pictures, download them into a simple PowerPoint, print them, and organize them into a simple book. When you see your child zoning in the morning, just ask what step she/he is on to refocus him/her back. But, remember that in addition to these tools, there is no substitute for encouragement and helpful parental reminders.

Wishing You Well

 

“Regardless of the history of IQ tests in the family, if I see nurturing, warm, interactive people who read emotional signals well and interact well, usually I see happy, competent and bright children."   ~Stanley Greenspan

Wishing You Well

Discipline is not something you do to children, 

but something you develop within them.  

 via: Conscious Discipline

Wishing You Well

Transformational Change - A complete mindset change. 

That's what Conscious Discipline is.  

The traditional model of discipline is rule based. The belief is that consequences uphold rules. Conscious Discipline is relationship based. We believe connections foster the desire to follow rules. From connection comes cooperation! How will you connect today?

via: Conscious Discipline

Wishing You Well

A boo-boo can be physical or mental. Here is a helpful I Love You Ritual to help your child heal:

Putting Lotion on the Hurts

Materials: A bottle of hand lotion, preferably with a pump spout.

Instructions: Search for the child's boo-boo's. They may be old scars or a new scratch. That is not what is important.

Game: Say, "I am going to put lotion on all of your hurts. I see one right here. I will be very careful." Put lotion on or circle around the hurt. Do this with one finger and do it gently and say, "I will take care of you. No more hurts for you."

Sometimes the child will start pointing out other "hurts" before you have finished the last. Or, the child may point to "hurts" you can't see. Repeat the message above and say, "There are so many hurts and you want me notice them all. I will find them. I will not forget."

Sometimes, the child will tell you stories of how he was hurt. It is very important to LISTEN to the child.

via: Conscious Discipline

Wishing You Well

You give, give, give all day. It seems that your child only knows to receive. But what if you could show him the other side if it? What is he could experience the giving? Baby Doll Circle Time Can help with that! Watch this video: 
 

via: Conscious Discipline